Too many stuff to put in one post, but it is here anyway.. I’m just gonna write and post when i get my internet.
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So, what has been happening in the last few weeks…
I would only describe it in the amount of confusion mounting up inside of me.
There are so many people that I wanna write about right now, so many pages have been written and flipped over with the new spring.
So many obsessions, so many small papers I’ve kept in a safe place, and so many more memories of everyone, of May, of Zeid, of Maad, of Alisa, Tamara, Farhad, Tanya, Laura, My teacher who came to me and toast me a glass of wine on my graduation… all the way through the many airports I dragged myself through, all of them saw me both, hopeful and depressed, from tokyo to seoul to cairo to moscow to damascus… and back to tokyo, all the hours I’ve spent in Keio trains and Tokyo metro, Roppongi Hills, Shibuya a place in which I fell in love with, of the first dawn of 2007 on the Latakia cool seaside…
Just like how the sakura explodes in ur eyes once u look at it, Nature, God recreates the world again in these 7 days of sakura, and you can see it, and you can sit there and let your heart skip a beat, two, three beats… the way it renders the smooth sun rays into your eyes leaves you in the confusion between reality and all the pictures flashing in your mind, all these people you have had to say goodbye to, the sweet laughter coming from a person walking next to you, the glorious feeling of intimidation towards the brush strokes of a Da Vinci original masterpiece, the smell of the ground, the rain drops, the sounds of the train driver telling you to stand behind the yellow line, and the laziness in ur steps walking down from tobitakyu station to your dorm at 7am on a saturday morning… the amount of knowledge, pure knowledge, pure happiness, pure sadness, nostalgia, ache and laughter, that one year can hold… The same confusion that you felt staring from the campus cirlce to the sakura trees one spring ago… only with a lot more of everything, and a lot more to come.
Nagoya, I fell in love with this city the first day, maybe because I had already decided to, or maybe just because it is beatiful…
Nothing so special about it, no huge crossings, few impressive skyscrapers, nothing too fancy, except a laughter that you can see everywhere, people laugh here, people chat on the train, they gesture with their hands and talk to you, they use different voice tones, and frown when they dont like something, they talk to you in bars, on a bench waiting for ur turn at a bank, in trains and shops…
They say Good Morning in the elevator.
the beauty of having the whole world close to your fingertips, the taste of Azerbaijani wine and the sound of a Georgian laughter, the way “Californians” believe in Google as the new god [Admit it Alisa, you do], The sound of a hourse-cart strolling through a Cairo cool summer night, and the taste of Syrian well made Bamieh in the midst of an afternoon Nagoya…
I understand just now why it is such a magical thing for the japanese, I realize how beautiful it is to have only beginings… To begin a new year, but never end one…
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When you look back at your life, how will you decide that u have led a good one…?
I said, among other stuff, When I think of an old love, I wanna be able to smile in nostalgia and still enjoy the memory.
I still dont understand the simple ways in which i function.
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I listened to an old conversation about pain, qouting Jubran from the prophet… As much as pain carves down ur spirit, it creates space to contain joy… its easy to romanticize this, i do. But she’d say, “I dont want this pain, this joy is not mine anyway…”
I know nothing about pain.
I’ve read about it, I’ve romanticized it, I sympathized with people in pain, I might’ve helped some at some point… but I’ve never really experienced pain, I always crack down even before I get to the point where pain is.
“There is no such point where you stop feeling pain, it will always be more painful each second… there is no threshold…”, 3ammo Hassan. someone who had to go through “pain” for years in mukhabarat basements…
How do you ease people’s pain when you know nothing about it. you simply can’t.
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I’m more and more growing into another George Costanza, I need to figure out what my instinct is telling me about anything, and then, go the exact opposite way. It might make life much easier for me, and for those around.
90% of the decisions that I had made conciously throughout those last 2 years have come back to haunt me one way or the other…
Now, I’m stuck in a whole new city, in an apartment that I have to leave within the month, with the cost of moving into a new apartment exceeding $2000 that we both have $400 out of it, a dorm is not a possibility [one of those decisions that come back to haunt me] I have just subscribed to the phone and internet that I have to move yet again to my new place. And yet, I have another guy stuck in the same shit, because of what my stupid instinct have told me.
and now I have to chose my electives for this year, I am seriously considering chosing the things that I would never usually think of, because according to the new “Theory” it would be the right thing to do…
Personally, it’s a whole different story… it’s a life of deliberatly chosing the wrong thing to say over anything else… I’ve hit my head against so many different walls, so many different times because of the level of idiocy this theory works through…
I was just checking some old conversations with May, and the whole time, I was in somekind state of sarcastic disbelief of what i have taken myself to write there…
maybe its a disease… what do u say?
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That being said,
Waking up in the early morning to go to kyoto, stealing ur roommate’s iPod and and taking a walk to chikusa station at 7am with Fairouz drawing the widest smile on ur face, saying goodmorning to the smiling faces staring at you… is still a genuine happy moment…
I am still alright.
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وقمح