A Diary
Some days I wake up with a sinister feeling brewing inside of me. I wake up because I could hardly breathe, and I reach for my asthma inhaler. I feel shackled by the strings of my own freedom. My books and my little memoirs from times past along with other, even more trivial, lifeless belongings stare at me with a smirk. The desire for things nauseates me, depresses me and leads me to a round of foggy self-lashing. I feel lost and disrespectful to everything I believe in.
***
Some days I sit on my roof and stare at the sky. My mind races through the names of random stars I can recognize, ones that I remember and can not see, names of galaxies I’ll never see, or the moons of Jupiter. A familiar and stressful thought keeps coming back from as long as I can remember. I have seen too many sci-fi movies that the imagery in my head is completely corrupted, and any attempt to close my eyes and imagine these vast distances and spaces is bound to end with the painful feeling of familiarity, like everyday life. But the thought itself races through my mind, cripples my heart and brings tears to my eyes. There has never been anything more fascinating and awe-inspiring to human consciousness than the Universe, and Death.
The comforting thought of Death is what brings my mind to ease. The thought that I, too, will have a chance to experience these split seconds of consciousness before that moment of death, is comforting and fulfilling. How painful would life be without that thought. How painful would life be if the only thing we could do was to sit on a rooftop and let our hearts explode over our inability to comprehend the very thought of the Universe.
I know for certain that I will have these split seconds of consciousness before I die. And then I shall die. Whatever that is, I will come to experience it fully. The experience of Death has no limits. Be it an after life, or complete nothingness, I will come to experience it. I will never watch the Big Bang, or touch the outside edges of an expanding universe. But I shall die, and I shall touch the outside edge of life. Without that promise of an ultimate experience of the unknown, I would’ve gone completely insane.
***
Some days I feel like I am almost too conscious of my youth. I feel a destructive desire to exploit my body and mind until they break down beyond their limits. It gives me a twisted pleasure to stay up for days until my body collapses over the bed, to drink beyond pleasure and to smoke beyond need.
***
On most other days, I drink my coffee and walk to school.
October 4th, 2009 at 3:46 am
That’s exactly what I miss. To read writing like yours. A concentrated dose of truth. Of awe and wonder. Of a fearless plunge into the unknown. Even death turns into pure pleasure. A mysterious state of being or unbeing we crave to embrace.
When I sit on my roof the vastness of space and time brings me to the edge of a mental climax. A few lucky times, I stared at infinity and blinked at a big bang out of countless ones over the eons. I thought I knew the answer.
It eludes me mostly in a sense that I can’t let it out. It’s simple to comprehend, so impossible to explain.
Just imagine finding someone out there to share the universe with. Wouldn’t that be even more spectacular than the spectacle? What are the odds? Astronomical, we say.
Yet it can be. Absolute truth.
October 4th, 2009 at 5:13 am
your writings inspire a million thoughts:)
October 4th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Reading this reminded me of something I wrote in 2005: “We all toil unconsciously beneath a fervent desire for death. Who would want to relive an hour, a minute or an instant of his life? Our past inspires a horror of repetition that is loved and lamented.”
October 4th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Hmm … I would forget the universe for now, and especially its outside edges.
How about exploring the outer edges of stochastic processes or advanced digital signal processing? … not interesting enough for you?
But I always enjoyed, and continue to enjoy reading anything you write. Keep pushing that brain of yours : )
October 4th, 2009 at 8:07 pm
When we were Embryos in our mums’ tummies, we only knew and recognized the small warm world of the womb, we were scared of leaving it but we did and we experienced life, we now understand the world of the womb’s reasons, and we still keep trying to understand this world of life, creating Gods and killing Gods, messing around, trying to control our lives, and then comes death, and death is just like birth. we’ll be born to another world, which helps us to understand a bit more and there might be more death, and more birth, we’ll never know until it comes.
That’s what I believe in, or I like to believe in any way…
Excellent post!
October 5th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
“I have seen too many sci-fi movies that the imagery in my head is completely corrupted, and any attempt to close my eyes and imagine these vast distances and spaces is bound to end with the painful feeling of familiarity, like everyday life.”
YES!
Yazan, sometimes your writing has the power to make me feel utterly mute.
October 6th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Yazan,
I got drawn in as soon as I started reading your post but became very concerned about you as I delved further into it…until I read your last line. I can’t help it, it is the brain doctor in me.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:05 am
you have an amazing way of writing,, u made me read till the last word without blinking!!
great thoughts ,, great blog,,
October 28th, 2009 at 3:48 am
… and breath. Young man I had to make myself draw breath. This was an incredibly intense and well written post. It was an honour to read it. I know I felt that way when I was younger – and still do from time to time. But I doubt – no I know – I never had words liek that to express myself. Even today I am not certain I could have written somethign as eloquent and poignant. Bravo.