Some days I wake up with a sinister feeling brewing inside of me. I wake up because I could hardly breathe, and I reach for my asthma inhaler. I feel shackled by the strings of my own freedom. My books and my little memoirs from times past along with other, even more trivial, lifeless belongings stare at me with a smirk. The desire for things nauseates me, depresses me and leads me to a round of foggy self-lashing. I feel lost and disrespectful to everything I believe in.
Some days I sit on my roof and stare at the sky. My mind races through the names of random stars I can recognize, ones that I remember and can not see, names of galaxies I’ll never see, or the moons of Jupiter. A familiar and stressful thought keeps coming back from as long as I can remember. I have seen too many sci-fi movies that the imagery in my head is completely corrupted, and any attempt to close my eyes and imagine these vast distances and spaces is bound to end with the painful feeling of familiarity, like everyday life. But the thought itself races through my mind, cripples my heart and brings tears to my eyes. There has never been anything more fascinating and awe-inspiring to human consciousness than the Universe, and Death.
The comforting thought of Death is what brings my mind to ease. The thought that I, too, will have a chance to experience these split seconds of consciousness before that moment of death, is comforting and fulfilling. How painful would life be without that thought. How painful would life be if the only thing we could do was to sit on a rooftop and let our hearts explode over our inability to comprehend the very thought of the Universe.
I know for certain that I will have these split seconds of consciousness before I die. And then I shall die. Whatever that is, I will come to experience it fully. The experience of Death has no limits. Be it an after life, or complete nothingness, I will come to experience it. I will never watch the Big Bang, or touch the outside edges of an expanding universe. But I shall die, and I shall touch the outside edge of life. Without that promise of an ultimate experience of the unknown, I would’ve gone completely insane.
Some days I feel like I am almost too conscious of my youth. I feel a destructive desire to exploit my body and mind until they break down beyond their limits. It gives me a twisted pleasure to stay up for days until my body collapses over the bed, to drink beyond pleasure and to smoke beyond need.
On most other days, I drink my coffee and walk to school.